So, you’ve just stepped off the plane and you’re looking for some advice.  Well, you’ve come to the right place.

1)      Food

What is that saying “the land of the morning calm” all about anyway?  I have a theory.  And it’s definitely true so don’t try to google it or anything.

Korea is called “the land of the morning calm” because of its total unwillingness to open coffee shops in the morning.  So if you’re waking up early expecting that familiar cup of grog, you’ll end up pounding on the window mournfully like a zombie in any zombie movie ever.  YOGURTPRESSO in my building are you listening? 

Yup, morning calm.  Just look at the uncaffeinated, jitter-free masses clinging to each other in morning rush hour. 

That said, some shops will make the jump and open early (Tom and Tom’s and Dunkin’ Donuts, Starbucks won't bother).  Check the hours carefully before you haul yourself out of bed with high hopes.

And another thing- only sugar comes in packets.  Keep that in mind the first time you see a packet of coffee lying around the office.

2)      Attire

Hey you, noob, walking the sidewalks alone at night and experiencing a bizarre, new feeling of safety.  I see you over there staggering home from the bar, slipping into the nearest mini mart confident in the safeness of this Confucian land.  “What’s that,” you say to the cranky old man next to the GS.  “You’re not homeless?  You’re awake at 3am to go on a hiking trip?  Well, I’ll be!  I love this country!  In America, you’d crack open my skull and pee on my optic nerve!”

But oh, overly confident black-jacketed foreigner, watch out!  BLAM!  Pwned by the motorbike-on-sidewalk paradox.

“Chicken delivered and one less foreigner on the streets in 30 minutes or less”

Buy a lightly colored jacket for when you’re walking on the sidewalk at night or chicken delivery motorbikes will run you over.  It’s true. 

And beware- in the crosswalk or not, cars have the right of way.  So get used to crossing gingerly.  Koreans never cheat the walk light- so if you walk out on a red be prepared to get some stares and possibly hear about your transgression at school the next day (true story). 

3)      Entertainment

So you’ve just moved to Korea and discovered, great, you have TV in your apartment!  And there’s English language programming!  A-ssa!  Or as a noob you might say, “Oh my goodness!”

Bad news.  The dredge passed off as English language entertainment is not for the faint of heart.  Or, well, only for the faint of heart.  I’m not sure how that works.

Anyway, it starts with accepting CSI into your viewing schedule.  And then NCIS…

"As Fox proclaims, 'For when you don't have CSI!'" (really)

…and pretty soon you’re scarfing ojingo watching America’s Funniest Home Videos for two hours a night.  Or worse… watching America’s Funniest Home Videos that you’ve already seen.

If you don’t want to be the one at home next year saying, “I think Top Model season 20 is going to be the best cycle ever!  Only yoga instructors this year?  That’s a stretch.  LOL!” then you’d better learn to be internet savvy, and fast.

I recommend these sites to browse for streaming links to popular TV shows at home.  Sidereel.com (great for keeping you up to date on what comes out on which day) and Surfthechannel.com (great for mopping up those old seasons of something you missed).

4)      Accommodation

Ah, you’ve arrived in the middle of the night and staggered into the place you’re meant to call your own.  According to the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, home is where your towel is.  But what happened to the rest of my towel?

“Korean towel.  Actual size.”

Mysteriously, most Korean people find a hand towel suitable for post-shower dry offs.  Perhaps foreigners with our yeti-like hairy bodies require an extra large towel, whereas the hairless stream-lined Korean can deflect water like a seal.  No one will ever know.  Go to one of the big department stores and splurge on a big towel- it’s well worth it.  It’ll also save you the humiliation of trying to cover your giant western butt with a towel as effective as a censorship bar.

Also, that scratchy towel is not for drying- it’s for scrubbing.  Try it yourself or get a professional to scrub you at a sauna and see how long it takes for your skin to grow back.

"Next time shell out the extra $10 and get a full scrub, wuss"

5)      Shopping

So noob, you’ve gone out to the major shopping areas and you’re feeling like a tourist rock star.  Korean women are fainting with arousal when they see you successfully get off the subway at the right stop and find the exit without craning your neck too obviously in the wrong direction.  You’re feeling pretty self confident and comfortable in your new land.

Until… You walk down the street and old woman after old woman runs out of her shop dramatically signing for you to go away.  Have you wandered into a “Koreans Only” area?  Do they have those?  What kind of foreigner-hating society allows blatant racism to persist?

No, noob!  Koreans mean “come here” when they tell you to go away.  With gestures, anyway.  I’m pretty sure if they say “go away” in English they mean “go away.”

But not all Korean gestures are bizarro Western ones.

“I love you!”

Here’s a quick dictionary of some gestures you will inevitably encounter:

Gesture: Moving the hand away from the body at waist height rapidly

“Come here!”  Not be confused with the Western equivalent, “Go away!”

Most encountered: Near store fronts or ajummas who want to link arms

Gesture: Holding the hand up by the armpit

Politeness when handing an object.  Not to be confused with the Western equivalent, “I’m sneaking a sniff of my armpits.”

Small finger X

“No”

Most encountered: When you ask someone a question like, “Can I get that sandwich with no pickles?”

Giant X using whole arm

“That is a definite ‘no.’  What the crap is wrong with you you crazy person?”

Most encountered: When you ask if a store has that cute shirt in your size.

Don’t worry, noob.  You’ll get there someday.  In the meantime, check out part 2 of this series here: http://www.hiexpat.com/blogs/5-more-things-noobs-ought-to-know-cultural-edition.html.  And as always, eat your kimchi!

Seriously, eat it.

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