Hey y'all!  j:laxx here. New blogger. You get it.

The G-20 Summit starts today in the city, down in Gangnam. Everyone who has ever been important, ever, is in Seoul.

That is no joke, if you have eyes and you've been wandering around the city for the last year. Every bus, every subway car, even some posters at elementary schools are touting Korea's epic win by hosting the G-20. Granted, it is a big deal, since this year's summit slogan is "How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Being Broke." 

Officially, the G20 is a meeting of the world's largest financial ministers discussing how to keep themselves rich and make every one richer. That happened already in Seoul last October, and everyone was do not care. But now the big show is in town. The world's leaders are here. Cue instant insanity. 

The city's President Meter is at Level 9000 right now. Did you know Barack Obama is here tonight, ladies and gents?! In a word...

As an American, I wonder if I'll find him down in Itaewon having a pint at Seoul Pub, so I can be like 'Yo Barry, I totally ate dinner at Gecko's when you got sworn in. Gecko's. With Canadians. It was so meta. Thanks for being you.'

What am I talking about... at least tomorrow, when my students see the African-American kid on their English videos and shout "OBAMA!" I can be all smart and newsdog and be like 'Actually, no, but he is down the street today!'

I just wanted to put that up there again. ^^

So if you're famous and you come to Korea, the first thing you should expect is a bobblehead cartoon version of yourself to show up in the media. The Presidential Committee on the G20 Summit released minibios and said cartoons of all the G20 leaders the other day, and some are soooooooo 귀엽다! There's Obama playing golf, UK's David Cameron riding a horse, Germany's Angela Merkel sitting... oh, and India's Dr. Mahmohan Singh... wait for it:

That's a business class seat, too, sir. 

*facepalm* Whatevs. 

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So now that the entire world is watching Korea and the G20, what does that mean for you, the lowly expat wandering on the streets here? Well, for one, don't expect to get in at On The Border at COEX anytime soon. And don't expect to get away with wearing sweatpants outside. This is KOREA, DAMMIT. Here's your guide:

#1: Don't go to COEX

The Korea Times reports that a 2-km fence has gone up around COEX, the neighboring hotel and basically anywhere where the summit leaders would be. Today the police are supposedly going to build a brick wall to add to security as well. People are complaining that it's making it hard to get around for the daily commute. Bah.

Along with that, the police have been confiscating privately owned firearms and checking their registrations for the duration of the summit, as well as banning motorcycle gang members with records from riding for a MONTH. 

#2: Bring noseplugs

Already Seoul Metro has taken out garbage cans from Lines 2, 3 and 4 as a precaution against garbage bombs. Yes, garbage bombs. Don't you remember when you leapt for joy when you finally found a garbage can... anywhere? Well, you'll just have to wait till after the summit, sir. 

The biggest "face" campaign that drew criticism was a supposed plan in a western Seoul district to postpone collection of food waste garbage. If you don't know (or are ignunt), we throw out our food separate from our garbage. And we usually do it on the street. An unnamed councilman said "It will be smelly, and it will present a bad image." Well, it's gonna make my 5 pyeong house smell real bad! Needless to say, that got scrapped. It is safe to clean out your fridges today. 

You keep your gakdukgi in your sink, ma'am! I said GOOD DAY!

#3 DO protest, but please, no puns. 

Now, if you've never lived in a city during a big political summit, you gotta know that the usual suspects will come out and protest. And Korea, like in so many other ways, takes the rice cake when it comes to protesting. 

Since there are rumors of Pres. Lee Myung-bak and Obama finishing the US-Korea FTA agreement during the summit, there could be a repeat of the Mad Cow / US Beef protests from 2008. And if you were here 2 years ago, who could forget the middle school girls and angry moms with candles clogging every pore of downtown?

Since COEX is off limits thanks to the fence, City Hall is turning out to be the place to go. A 20,000-strong labor union protest went off this week, and people were running into the riot police. Not standing next to them and shouting, frickin' charging them. So if you want to watch the fun, head there. And look out for any PETA naked protests. 

President Lee has already said that anyone who stages a mass rally will get their butt kicked, but even if you just want to show your Rage Against the Machine side in a more hipster way, be careful!

Case in point: Puns. 

One meme coming out of the protests is calling the Summit "쥐20"  (jwi-twenty).  쥐 in Korean means mouse or rat. The point, obviously, is subtle. 

Left: "Ok, you rascals! Play nice with our wallets!" 

Right: "HOLY F&#$! THEY HAVE THE PLAGUE!"

The one on the right has actually gotten some trouble a-brewing. A 4o-year-old man was apparently arrested for "defacing public property" by spray painting the rat on a public poster for the G20. It's gotten some netizens pretty riled up.  One person is recorded as saying, "I interpret the mouse with restraint. Is [Girls Generation's hit song] "Gee" a conspiracy too?"

Nothing's more anti-capitalist than a pop song set in a clothing store. 

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Anyway, so if you're thinking about heading out to Gangnam for the weekend, just be advised that HERE THERE BE PREZIDENTZ, so things will be out of sorts a bit.

All the noise aside, this G20 looks to be somewhat productive, and Koreans should be proud for hosting it. There's already talk about a "Seoul Consensus" being the byword to refer to some pending plan to help poor nations develop. And Korea has a pretty good reputation for pulling off international events without much of a hitch.

But the biggest disappointment of all: weren't these meetings supposed to be held on floating islands?

- j:laxx

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