No one would have believed in the first years of the 21^st century that such a crisis would hit man so quickly and so hard…  

In news that has rocked a nation, the cost of Napa cabbage (the preferred cabbage for kimchi) has increased dramatically to $10 a head, over four times the regular cost.  The country has erupted in anger, with many citizens resorting to looting or shopping on the black market to get their daily fix.  In these desperate times, who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men.  Step into my web of horrors, if you dare…

Without the fibrous thrice daily kimchi intake, Korean bathroom traffic will be at a deadly stand still.  Koreans will have to consider alternate sources of fiber, such as fiber drinks or foreign breakfast cereals.

Without kimchi pushing things through, Korean men and women will start to absorb more and more fat from the calorie-rich rice they consume by the ton.  If weight gain continues unchecked, Korea may have to consider importing the “big sizes” they have feared for so long.

Koreans may have to resort to relying on other less delicious kimchis, such as those made with radish and cucumber, to pad out their kimjang (pickling time) this year.  Some staunch cabbage advocates still refuse, though, and are eating their way through last year’s kimchi.  But what will happen when that runs out?

Despite President Lee Myung Bak’s plea to consider cheaper alternative cabbages, public outcry has forced a rather sheepish Bak to demand Napa or nothing.  Government agencies are instituting a “kimchi bailout program,” reselling 300,000 heads of Korean-grown cabbage at a 30% loss in order to alleviate suffering.

The blue house is also moving to import 100 tons of cabbage from China and 50 tons of radishes without the usual 30% tariff in place.  Many are concerned with how Chinese cabbages differ from ones grown in Korean soil and fear for their health.  

Some restaurants, squeezed by the low profit margin, have been forced to raise prices or limit customers to one free plate of kimchi only.  Customers asking for seconds have been asked to pay a 2,000 won fee, angering thousands. 

Can the government stop the crisis in time?  Will Korea survive this crisis intact?  KIMCHIOCALYPSE: THE RED PEPPERING.  Coming soon to a supermarket near you.

SOURCES: 

http://www.koreatimes.co.kr/www/news/biz/2010/10/123_73849.html

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/world/la-fg-south-korea-kimchi-20101005,0,5591273.story

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